Decisions - Why They Suck

A few days ago, I was faced with a decision.

I HATE making decisions.  I assume it goes back to the days when I was a basket case.  All the time.  Anxiety-ridden, filled with self doubt, panic attacks, the works.  There were many occasions when I couldn't go to a restaurant because I couldn't decide what to order, and it would send me into a panic attack.  And that part of my life is a story for another day.

The choice I had to make was a bigger one than what to eat for lunch.  I was being offered a position with the company I left six months ago, and I had to figure out whether to go back, or to stay where I was at.

I've been fairly unhappy the last couple of months at work, but I didn't know if I'd be any happier making this move.  I went through the lists of pros and cons, and it seemed there were too many "what-ifs" that played into something that straightforward.  I started calling friends I'd worked with in the past to get advice.

Mike said to do whatever made me happy.  Great support, love him dearly, but DAMMIT, it did not help me with actually making the decision.

I figured out after a while that I wanted someone to tell me what to do.  I didn't want this pressure... what if I was wrong?  What if my pregnancy hormones were talking for me?  WHAT IF!??!?!

I looked at the lists, reflected on the conversations, and realized that I was trying to get someone to tell me to take the job because that's what I thought was the right answer.  So I went into work the next day, stomach in knots, to give my two week notice.

I was fortunate enough to be giving it to the manager I have a lot of respect for.  Still, I wanted him to hurry up to talk to me.  I wanted to wait.  I just wanted it to be two weeks from now so I didn't have to deal with this MESS in my head anymore.

But the second I told him I was leaving, and why, a giant weight was lifted from my shoulders.  I felt like I could breathe again, and I was smiling when he eventually told me to get my things because today was my last day.

The process of making the decision SUCKED.  However, having it made and behind me feels like a kind of euphoria.  I hope I can keep that in mind next time a decision rolls my way, and perhaps it will be easier on me if I let it be.

I start my "new" job tomorrow.  I don't know if I'll be happy, but I think I can be.  And if I'm not, that's okay too, because I can always make another decision another day.  For now, I'm going to enjoy my last evening of unemployment (the whole two days I had of it!), I'm going to cook a kick-ass meal, and I'm going to play with my daughter.  Life is good.

Pregnancy: What They Neglected To Tell Me - Trimester One

When I got pregnant with my daughter two years ago, I had no idea what was in store.  I bought books, I spend countless hours on baby websites, I joined forums... and still, I didn't know.

Here's how I had imagined pregnancy:

• Constant thrill that I was growing a baby.  
• Immediate bonding throughout the entire process.  
• Getting giddy and excited about getting clothes, getting furniture, and making a perfect nursery. 
• Loving my body as it experienced all of it's changes.  
• Enjoying the satisfaction of my cravings.

The list goes on.

My first trimester was a bit of a shock to the system.  I experienced the occasional excitement, don't get me wrong.  I was also very lucky in that I wasn't puking my brains out like some poor souls do their first three months.  But the nausea to start my day was not motivating.  The exhaustion I felt make me think I was never going to get through the day, let alone the pregnancy.  And the mood swings...

Well, let me tell you about the mood swings.

Imagine PMS.  Sucks, right?  Crampy, tired, pissy, bloated, and generally downright bitchy.  Take PMS and give it Red Bull.  Then add in the fact that you can't take the edge off with a beer after work.  THEN factor in that you don't even realize you are crazy while you're crazy. Then when it dawns on you that you're being a whack-a-doodle, you feel guilt over stressing the baby out.  Then you cry.  It's a very dangerous combination.

I was very tempted to make life-changing decisions in my career during this time period.  I damn near got myself fired for my temper.  I HATED my job.  And it really wasn't any different than it had been before pregnancy, it just seemed so much worse to me.

I went to register for my baby shower.  How much fun!!  Little clothes, toys, bath stuff, health stuff, bed stuff, so much.... stuff..... aaaaand trigger panic attack.  I didn't know what to do!  There are twelve different bath tubs, which one do I need?  Do I even need one?  How many diapers, what brand what size what what what the fuck!?  My list after my first visit was a big fat mess.  Those stores can be unreasonably overwhelming.

Dreams.  And by dreams, I mean NIGHTMARES.  Realistic, unreasonable images that dance through your head.  This is interrupted only by having to pee every thirty seconds.  And you can't shake these dreams either.  They will taint the rest of your morning.

I got dressed one day in a cute maternity outfit (I was showing sooner than most).  I loved it.  Then I cried because I looked frumpy and stupid and AHHHHHH!!!  I ripped it off and lost my mind because I couldn't look good in ANYTHING.

I forgot everything about this (PS, you don't get your memory back), so I was surprised to feel much of the same this round.

With this pregnancy, I got viciously, violently ill several times.  I was convinced that I had a stomach bug.  NOPE, just an angry baby.  How am I supposed to fulfill the nutritional needs if I'm hacking up everything I eat?  What am I doing to the baby?  WHAT IF I'M GROWING A BRAIN TODAY?

I had some hard cravings with this one too.  I'd go from being so hungry I'd feel like I was going to pass out, to being so full I felt sick.  The worst part:  I wasn't pigging out.  I wanted to, but I'd have a few bites and be stuffed.  This proved to be quite frustrating after fantasizing over all the food I wanted to eat!

The worst part I think is the lack of "bonding" in this first stage.  You can't feel the baby kick, so it's almost like it doesn't exist.  You feel sick and sad and angry 90% of the day, so it's so hard to visualize the good and happy times that are to come.

Newsflash:  There are happy times ahead.  And you appreciate them more because you have to fight through the shit to get there.

I've been re-reading my diary from my first pregnancy.  It's actually been helping me understand that this will get better.  The second trimester traditionally brings more energy, and happier moods.  I will get to find out if I'm having a boy or a girl, and I'll start feeling the kicks.  I'll make my lists and try to just breathe, because everything will work itself out.

I'm just going to try not to kill anybody in the meantime.