Decisions - Why They Suck

A few days ago, I was faced with a decision.

I HATE making decisions.  I assume it goes back to the days when I was a basket case.  All the time.  Anxiety-ridden, filled with self doubt, panic attacks, the works.  There were many occasions when I couldn't go to a restaurant because I couldn't decide what to order, and it would send me into a panic attack.  And that part of my life is a story for another day.

The choice I had to make was a bigger one than what to eat for lunch.  I was being offered a position with the company I left six months ago, and I had to figure out whether to go back, or to stay where I was at.

I've been fairly unhappy the last couple of months at work, but I didn't know if I'd be any happier making this move.  I went through the lists of pros and cons, and it seemed there were too many "what-ifs" that played into something that straightforward.  I started calling friends I'd worked with in the past to get advice.

Mike said to do whatever made me happy.  Great support, love him dearly, but DAMMIT, it did not help me with actually making the decision.

I figured out after a while that I wanted someone to tell me what to do.  I didn't want this pressure... what if I was wrong?  What if my pregnancy hormones were talking for me?  WHAT IF!??!?!

I looked at the lists, reflected on the conversations, and realized that I was trying to get someone to tell me to take the job because that's what I thought was the right answer.  So I went into work the next day, stomach in knots, to give my two week notice.

I was fortunate enough to be giving it to the manager I have a lot of respect for.  Still, I wanted him to hurry up to talk to me.  I wanted to wait.  I just wanted it to be two weeks from now so I didn't have to deal with this MESS in my head anymore.

But the second I told him I was leaving, and why, a giant weight was lifted from my shoulders.  I felt like I could breathe again, and I was smiling when he eventually told me to get my things because today was my last day.

The process of making the decision SUCKED.  However, having it made and behind me feels like a kind of euphoria.  I hope I can keep that in mind next time a decision rolls my way, and perhaps it will be easier on me if I let it be.

I start my "new" job tomorrow.  I don't know if I'll be happy, but I think I can be.  And if I'm not, that's okay too, because I can always make another decision another day.  For now, I'm going to enjoy my last evening of unemployment (the whole two days I had of it!), I'm going to cook a kick-ass meal, and I'm going to play with my daughter.  Life is good.