Here's how I had imagined pregnancy:
- Constant thrill that I was growing a baby.
- Immediate bonding throughout the entire process.
- Getting giddy and excited about getting clothes, getting furniture, and making a perfect nursery.
- Loving my body as it experienced all of it's changes.
- Enjoying the satisfaction of my cravings.
The list goes on.
My first trimester was a bit of a shock to the system. I experienced the occasional excitement, don't get me wrong. I was also very lucky in that I wasn't puking my brains out like some poor souls do their first three months. But the nausea to start my day was not motivating. The exhaustion I felt make me think I was never going to get through the day, let alone the pregnancy. And the mood swings...
Well, let me tell you about the mood swings.
Imagine PMS. Sucks, right? Crampy, tired, pissy, bloated, and generally downright bitchy. Take PMS and give it Red Bull. Then add in the fact that you can't take the edge off with a beer after work. THEN factor in that you don't even realize you are crazy while you're crazy. Then when it dawns on you that you're being a whack-a-doodle, you feel guilt over stressing the baby out. Then you cry. It's a very dangerous combination.
I was very tempted to make life-changing decisions in my career during this time period. I damn near got myself fired for my temper. I HATED my job. And it really wasn't any different than it had been before pregnancy, it just seemed so much worse to me.
I went to register for my baby shower. How much fun!! Little clothes, toys, bath stuff, health stuff, bed stuff, so much.... stuff..... aaaaand trigger panic attack. I didn't know what to do! There are twelve different bath tubs, which one do I need? Do I even need one? How many diapers, what brand what size what what what the fuck!? My list after my first visit was a big fat mess. Those stores can be unreasonably overwhelming.
Dreams. And by dreams, I mean NIGHTMARES. Realistic, unreasonable images that dance through your head. This is interrupted only by having to pee every thirty seconds. And you can't shake these dreams either. They will taint the rest of your morning.
My first trimester was a bit of a shock to the system. I experienced the occasional excitement, don't get me wrong. I was also very lucky in that I wasn't puking my brains out like some poor souls do their first three months. But the nausea to start my day was not motivating. The exhaustion I felt make me think I was never going to get through the day, let alone the pregnancy. And the mood swings...
Well, let me tell you about the mood swings.
Imagine PMS. Sucks, right? Crampy, tired, pissy, bloated, and generally downright bitchy. Take PMS and give it Red Bull. Then add in the fact that you can't take the edge off with a beer after work. THEN factor in that you don't even realize you are crazy while you're crazy. Then when it dawns on you that you're being a whack-a-doodle, you feel guilt over stressing the baby out. Then you cry. It's a very dangerous combination.
I was very tempted to make life-changing decisions in my career during this time period. I damn near got myself fired for my temper. I HATED my job. And it really wasn't any different than it had been before pregnancy, it just seemed so much worse to me.
I went to register for my baby shower. How much fun!! Little clothes, toys, bath stuff, health stuff, bed stuff, so much.... stuff..... aaaaand trigger panic attack. I didn't know what to do! There are twelve different bath tubs, which one do I need? Do I even need one? How many diapers, what brand what size what what what the fuck!? My list after my first visit was a big fat mess. Those stores can be unreasonably overwhelming.
Dreams. And by dreams, I mean NIGHTMARES. Realistic, unreasonable images that dance through your head. This is interrupted only by having to pee every thirty seconds. And you can't shake these dreams either. They will taint the rest of your morning.
I got dressed one day in a cute maternity outfit (I was showing sooner than most). I loved it. Then I cried because I looked frumpy and stupid and AHHHHHH!!! I ripped it off and lost my mind because I couldn't look good in ANYTHING.
I forgot everything about this (PS, you don't get your memory back), so I was surprised to feel much of the same this round.
With this pregnancy, I got viciously, violently ill several times. I was convinced that I had a stomach bug. NOPE, just an angry baby. How am I supposed to fulfill the nutritional needs if I'm hacking up everything I eat? What am I doing to the baby? WHAT IF I'M GROWING A BRAIN TODAY?
I had some hard cravings with this one too. I'd go from being so hungry I'd feel like I was going to pass out, to being so full I felt sick. The worst part: I wasn't pigging out. I wanted to, but I'd have a few bites and be stuffed. This proved to be quite frustrating after fantasizing over all the food I wanted to eat!
The worst part I think is the lack of "bonding" in this first stage. You can't feel the baby kick, so it's almost like it doesn't exist. You feel sick and sad and angry 90% of the day, so it's so hard to visualize the good and happy times that are to come.
Newsflash: There are happy times ahead. And you appreciate them more because you have to fight through the shit to get there.
I've been re-reading my diary from my first pregnancy. It's actually been helping me understand that this will get better. The second trimester traditionally brings more energy, and happier moods. I will get to find out if I'm having a boy or a girl, and I'll start feeling the kicks. I'll make my lists and try to just breathe, because everything will work itself out.
I'm just going to try not to kill anybody in the meantime.
I forgot everything about this (PS, you don't get your memory back), so I was surprised to feel much of the same this round.
With this pregnancy, I got viciously, violently ill several times. I was convinced that I had a stomach bug. NOPE, just an angry baby. How am I supposed to fulfill the nutritional needs if I'm hacking up everything I eat? What am I doing to the baby? WHAT IF I'M GROWING A BRAIN TODAY?
I had some hard cravings with this one too. I'd go from being so hungry I'd feel like I was going to pass out, to being so full I felt sick. The worst part: I wasn't pigging out. I wanted to, but I'd have a few bites and be stuffed. This proved to be quite frustrating after fantasizing over all the food I wanted to eat!
The worst part I think is the lack of "bonding" in this first stage. You can't feel the baby kick, so it's almost like it doesn't exist. You feel sick and sad and angry 90% of the day, so it's so hard to visualize the good and happy times that are to come.
Newsflash: There are happy times ahead. And you appreciate them more because you have to fight through the shit to get there.
I've been re-reading my diary from my first pregnancy. It's actually been helping me understand that this will get better. The second trimester traditionally brings more energy, and happier moods. I will get to find out if I'm having a boy or a girl, and I'll start feeling the kicks. I'll make my lists and try to just breathe, because everything will work itself out.
I'm just going to try not to kill anybody in the meantime.
I remember it well. With my first my husband frequently came home either to me crying or sleeping. Once it was because I couldn't make dinner because I had no clean pots, and I couldn't WASH the pots because the smell of the soap made me so incredibly ill.
ReplyDeleteI was most exhausted with my third. I told my sister when she got pregnant and wanted to know what to expect that it was like trying to function normally but as a narcoleptic, sedated, seasick sloth. After experiencing it herself she agreed.
At least you don't need to register again! (Or at least not for nearly as much). That was more stress and emotions than any pregnant woman needs.
And congrats on your 2nd!
(This is your cousin, by the way)
Thanks! I don't know how you manage it, but I guess we all figure it out as we go. :)
ReplyDelete