Two Years Later

Two years ago today, everything changed.

I woke up to kiss Mike goodbye so he could pick up his final paycheck.  It was a Monday, and I was late for my period by three days.  I figured I should take a test, put my mind at ease.

Yeah....

I can't pee on a stick.  Well, correction, I can pee on the stick, but then I also pee on my hands, the seat, probably the cat.  I'm a terrible aim.  So I took a Dixie cup and tried to pee in that instead.  The test says hold the stick in for 20 seconds, then lay it down for two minutes.  I held it in and counted one...two...three.... it's turning blue.  It's TURNING BLUE.  Why is it turning blue already?

I pick up the box, I look at the test, I look at the box.  I'm pregnant.  I turn and scream at my cats "Holy Shit, I'm PREGNANT!"  They celebrated by running away and hiding under the bed.  That wasn't satisfying, and I need to tell someone!

I called my Dad.  I'll never forget that conversation - he made me laugh.  When I called Mike to tell him I had a surprise for him, he walked in fully expecting a Playstation 3 waiting for him.  Ha, SURPRISE!  After the initial shock, we had a beautiful moment together that still makes me tear up.  But we had no idea what it truly meant to start a family.

Now, two years later, I have a crazy toddler and I'm headed into my second trimester with baby number 2.  We've both changed jobs since that day, and moved out of our apartment and into a house.

Everything is different, and I couldn't tell you how I lived my life before that day.  There are bits and pieces I can recall:  some fun camping trips, some drinking, some great meals, some more drinking, ROCKBAND!  But I can't imagine how I must have filled my time when I had it.

I wouldn't change my daughter for the world, and I don't know if I could have prepared any better if someone had told me just what motherhood was going to entail.  Part of the problem was that I didn't really believe them when they said "Sleep when the baby sleeps."  That would be great, but then who will do the dishes and vaccuum and AHHHHH!!!  There's simply not enough time in the day to take care of the baby, the housework, and finally ME.

I was becoming someone I didn't like (and no one else did either):  proud-to-the-point-of-obnoxious, angry, exhausted, and self-righteous.  I WOULD take care of everything because I was better than everyone!  I was SUPERMOM.  I would run myself into the ground if that's what it took!

And it did.

Sometimes it still does, but I'm blessed to have the kind of love and support that I do in Mike.  I can't imagine doing this alone.  I raise my hat to all the single mothers out there, and I hope they find that love and support somewhere.  I hope that all of us who are blessed with a child can relax, let the dishes sit for a while, and just enjoy the beauty of childhood.  My daughter makes me laugh harder than I've ever laughed in my life.

I found the things I was missing by being too busy.  I found music again, and the sweet emotions that come with it.  I had forgotten how much I loved to take a bath with an old paperback and read until the water got cold.  I'm picking up my camera again.  I am finding new pleasures in writing.

I'm finding happy again.  I might need someone to remind me once in a while, but I think I'm finally headed in the right direction.

Isn't it amazing the difference two years can make?