He Mattered, And I Never Knew His Name

The path of life is a fascinating and delicate one.  

I'm of the belief, similar to Forrest Gump, that our lives are a mix of predetermined fate and carving out your own destiny.  I think there are forks in the road that you choose, and I also think that sometimes life's paths will intersect in certain places whether you want them to or not.  

Everything happens for a reason.

I also think that some people are meant to come into our lives at specific times.  Sometimes they are only there for a matter of minutes, but they make a difference, and you never forget them.  This has happened to me quite a few times, but there are two in particular I'd like to share.

When I was in high school, I met a boy, fell in love, etc.  We were together for just over two years.  I'd never had a real boyfriend before, and I was completely and totally convinced that he we were going to be together forever.  Such is the teenage mind I suppose.

Long story short, he was emotionally abusive through most of the relationship.  Controlled what I ate, who I hung out with, what music I should listen to.  The reasons why I stayed as long as I did are a story for another day.

It got physically abusive at the very end.  I was ready to break up, he wasn't, and it turned into a day of horror for me.  The end result was him getting arrested, and me, covered in bruises and bites, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do without him.  I survived, but for a while it was barely that.

Fast forward nine years later.  Life was so different, and I had a phenomenal man in my life, a decent job, and good friends.  Most of the time I was a very happy person, but when the anniversary of that horrible day would roll around, I struggled with the memories and the circumstances of it.

On this particular day, I had a shit day at work, and I had to take the bus home because no one could give me a lift.  I remember walking to the bus stop with my earbuds in, because I never talked to anyone if I didn't have to.  It was December, and it was miserable.  I was brooding and could feel my anxiety trying to creep up on me.  A big burly black guy tapped me on the shoulder and asked me what time it was.

This is the guy who gave me the nudge I won't forget.

I reluctantly pulled out a bud and gave him the time.  Before I could get it back in, he was already talking.  I can't be rude to someone who's nice, I'm just not built for it, so we chatted waiting for that bus.  He started randomly telling me about his sister who'd been in a bad relationship lately.  How he didn't understand why she stayed when she was being treated so badly, and why she kept going back.  Then he told me about a friend of his that had been dating a guy for a long time, and he ended up eventually killing her, and how tragic and sad it was that people who were supposed to love each other could end that way.  

This should have been a terribly awkward conversation, but instead, after I said goodbye and got off at my stop, I had a bit of an epiphany.

I didn't die.  I was still alive, and more than that, I got out.

I survived, and have thrived, and appreciated the love that I had now even more because I didn't take it for granted.  I was LUCKY.  And I needed to stop taking myself back there to that day and letting it eat at me.

I am who I am because of what I've done, what I've been through, and what path I've stumbled down for the last 31 years.  Regretting is pointless, it accomplishes nothing.  Instead, I do what I can to learn from my mistakes, and the mistakes of others around me.  I am pretty proud of who I've turned out to be, and I'll never forget the man on the bus for unknowingly giving me a kick in the ass when I needed it.  I never even got his name.

The second story just happened this week.  And I think I was someone this family won't forget.

I work in a jewelry store.  A woman came in wanting to make a ring for her daughter as a graduation present.  The diamonds she had to use were from her late ex-husband, her daughter's father, who had passed away last year.  Since I lost Dad last year too, we bonded pretty quickly.

Her daughter arrived a little while later because Mom didn't want to try and pick the style for something this important.  We spend a lot of time perusing through books and mountings, and finally she found one she liked.  Then the daughter started to cry.

I was afraid something was wrong, but the mom asked her if it was because they were her dad's diamonds.  She nodded her head.  I started crying, her mom started crying, but it turned out to be a beautiful moment.  Her mom told her she had some amazing memories to hold onto, and that her father would have wanted her to have these, and she wanted to make it for her.  

I ended up spending about two hours with this family, telling stories and laughing and crying.  Just yesterday the ring got finished up.  The mother came to pick it up, and it was perfect.  She knew she'd done the right thing, and we talked some more about the death of someone close and how you cope with it.  By the time she left with ring in hand, I knew I'd remember them forever.  And I knew they'd remember me.  

The encounter has me reflecting on the time I got to spend with my Dad, and how even though he's gone, he's still here for me.  I'm so glad that this family came into my life, ever so briefly.  It was quite random that I was the one person, out of everyone that works in jewelry in this town, that got to help them out.  Or was it?

It was Bogart who said "Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine."  

This fascinating and delicate path that is life is full of twist, turns, forks, and climbs.  But it's my path, and I'm excited to see who and what is around the next bend.

Who Really Won - Why This Pizzeria Owner Is Rich

I don't think I put anything in here particularly offensive, but someone else will be the judge of that.

The latest news this morning centered around a small pizzeria in Indiana.  Long story short, the owner of the restaurant, Crystal O'Connor, had said something that has permanently changed her life.  She was asked a hypothetical question about catering a gay wedding.  She answered with no.

You can read more here.

Now the pizzeria has closed down due to the number of death threats and other such things hurled toward the owner and her business.

Where do I even begin?

I guess I'll start here - I completely disagree with her stance.  I don't think it's right or it's fair to refuse a service that people pay for because you disagree with their sexual preference.  I wait on people I disagree with ALL the time for multiple reasons, and they get the same service and smile I'd give anyone.  Not just because I'd lose my job calling someone a self-important fuckwad, but because it's the right thing to do.  She chose a life serving the public, and certain standards come with it.

But even more disturbing to me is the reaction that this has brought.  Having an opposing opinion is one thing.  Even being offended by her stance is okay.  But DEATH THREATS?  And if you read the article, you'll see how many people decided to leave false negative reviews on sites like YELP.  One I read said something about finding a tooth and the clerk yelling how it was her lifestyle choice to put a tooth on the pizza.  Really?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and wager a guess that most of these protesters are not gay, and normally wouldn't give a shit one way or another about the controversy, but are simply bored, angry people.  Not to say there aren't genuinely upset or hurt folks out there, but the majority will find something else next week to be a bully about in the name of justice or freedom or whatever.

I'm going to give some advice here as to how this woman's business would have had the most damage done to it.

Shut up, and stop buying her pizza.  IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

Because, my friends, now this woman is set for life.  A GoFundMe page was set up for her by someone on the other side of this controversy.  It has raised over $800,000.  Let me spell that out:  EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!

I love conspiracy theories, but even I can't see Crystal O'Connor sitting at home wondering how to make a quick buck, and saying to herself, "Gee, if a reporter ever comes in and asks me if I'd cater a gay wedding, I'll be sure to say NO.  That's how I'll get rich!"

She's receiving a shit ton of money because once again, we as a society grab on to this big juicy bone the media has fed us, and we run with it.  It also ran with it incorrectly, and surely the owner will be profiting off of that as well.  It doesn't effect most of us on any level, and it never should have gone beyond her losing business to folks who disagreed with her view.  Now due to this snowball effect, she can move to Tahiti and bask in the sunshine should she choose to do so, all because she answered a hypothetical question about something that was probably never going to happen.

I personally think this is especially ironic considering that no self-respecting gay couple would ever ask a pizzeria to cater their wedding.  Just saying.

Decisions - Why They Suck

A few days ago, I was faced with a decision.

I HATE making decisions.  I assume it goes back to the days when I was a basket case.  All the time.  Anxiety-ridden, filled with self doubt, panic attacks, the works.  There were many occasions when I couldn't go to a restaurant because I couldn't decide what to order, and it would send me into a panic attack.  And that part of my life is a story for another day.

The choice I had to make was a bigger one than what to eat for lunch.  I was being offered a position with the company I left six months ago, and I had to figure out whether to go back, or to stay where I was at.

I've been fairly unhappy the last couple of months at work, but I didn't know if I'd be any happier making this move.  I went through the lists of pros and cons, and it seemed there were too many "what-ifs" that played into something that straightforward.  I started calling friends I'd worked with in the past to get advice.

Mike said to do whatever made me happy.  Great support, love him dearly, but DAMMIT, it did not help me with actually making the decision.

I figured out after a while that I wanted someone to tell me what to do.  I didn't want this pressure... what if I was wrong?  What if my pregnancy hormones were talking for me?  WHAT IF!??!?!

I looked at the lists, reflected on the conversations, and realized that I was trying to get someone to tell me to take the job because that's what I thought was the right answer.  So I went into work the next day, stomach in knots, to give my two week notice.

I was fortunate enough to be giving it to the manager I have a lot of respect for.  Still, I wanted him to hurry up to talk to me.  I wanted to wait.  I just wanted it to be two weeks from now so I didn't have to deal with this MESS in my head anymore.

But the second I told him I was leaving, and why, a giant weight was lifted from my shoulders.  I felt like I could breathe again, and I was smiling when he eventually told me to get my things because today was my last day.

The process of making the decision SUCKED.  However, having it made and behind me feels like a kind of euphoria.  I hope I can keep that in mind next time a decision rolls my way, and perhaps it will be easier on me if I let it be.

I start my "new" job tomorrow.  I don't know if I'll be happy, but I think I can be.  And if I'm not, that's okay too, because I can always make another decision another day.  For now, I'm going to enjoy my last evening of unemployment (the whole two days I had of it!), I'm going to cook a kick-ass meal, and I'm going to play with my daughter.  Life is good.

Pregnancy: What They Neglected To Tell Me - Trimester One

When I got pregnant with my daughter two years ago, I had no idea what was in store.  I bought books, I spend countless hours on baby websites, I joined forums... and still, I didn't know.

Here's how I had imagined pregnancy:

• Constant thrill that I was growing a baby.  
• Immediate bonding throughout the entire process.  
• Getting giddy and excited about getting clothes, getting furniture, and making a perfect nursery. 
• Loving my body as it experienced all of it's changes.  
• Enjoying the satisfaction of my cravings.

The list goes on.

My first trimester was a bit of a shock to the system.  I experienced the occasional excitement, don't get me wrong.  I was also very lucky in that I wasn't puking my brains out like some poor souls do their first three months.  But the nausea to start my day was not motivating.  The exhaustion I felt make me think I was never going to get through the day, let alone the pregnancy.  And the mood swings...

Well, let me tell you about the mood swings.

Imagine PMS.  Sucks, right?  Crampy, tired, pissy, bloated, and generally downright bitchy.  Take PMS and give it Red Bull.  Then add in the fact that you can't take the edge off with a beer after work.  THEN factor in that you don't even realize you are crazy while you're crazy. Then when it dawns on you that you're being a whack-a-doodle, you feel guilt over stressing the baby out.  Then you cry.  It's a very dangerous combination.

I was very tempted to make life-changing decisions in my career during this time period.  I damn near got myself fired for my temper.  I HATED my job.  And it really wasn't any different than it had been before pregnancy, it just seemed so much worse to me.

I went to register for my baby shower.  How much fun!!  Little clothes, toys, bath stuff, health stuff, bed stuff, so much.... stuff..... aaaaand trigger panic attack.  I didn't know what to do!  There are twelve different bath tubs, which one do I need?  Do I even need one?  How many diapers, what brand what size what what what the fuck!?  My list after my first visit was a big fat mess.  Those stores can be unreasonably overwhelming.

Dreams.  And by dreams, I mean NIGHTMARES.  Realistic, unreasonable images that dance through your head.  This is interrupted only by having to pee every thirty seconds.  And you can't shake these dreams either.  They will taint the rest of your morning.

I got dressed one day in a cute maternity outfit (I was showing sooner than most).  I loved it.  Then I cried because I looked frumpy and stupid and AHHHHHH!!!  I ripped it off and lost my mind because I couldn't look good in ANYTHING.

I forgot everything about this (PS, you don't get your memory back), so I was surprised to feel much of the same this round.

With this pregnancy, I got viciously, violently ill several times.  I was convinced that I had a stomach bug.  NOPE, just an angry baby.  How am I supposed to fulfill the nutritional needs if I'm hacking up everything I eat?  What am I doing to the baby?  WHAT IF I'M GROWING A BRAIN TODAY?

I had some hard cravings with this one too.  I'd go from being so hungry I'd feel like I was going to pass out, to being so full I felt sick.  The worst part:  I wasn't pigging out.  I wanted to, but I'd have a few bites and be stuffed.  This proved to be quite frustrating after fantasizing over all the food I wanted to eat!

The worst part I think is the lack of "bonding" in this first stage.  You can't feel the baby kick, so it's almost like it doesn't exist.  You feel sick and sad and angry 90% of the day, so it's so hard to visualize the good and happy times that are to come.

Newsflash:  There are happy times ahead.  And you appreciate them more because you have to fight through the shit to get there.

I've been re-reading my diary from my first pregnancy.  It's actually been helping me understand that this will get better.  The second trimester traditionally brings more energy, and happier moods.  I will get to find out if I'm having a boy or a girl, and I'll start feeling the kicks.  I'll make my lists and try to just breathe, because everything will work itself out.

I'm just going to try not to kill anybody in the meantime.

The Color Of Stupid: The Dress that Broke the Internet

I'm torn between being highly amused and wanting to face palm somebody.

Yesterday's news included such sadness as the passing of Leonard Nimoy, Homeland Security potentially shutting down, and weather causing massive nasty flight delays.  But what's really important about yesterday is THE DRESS...

This one irrelevant article of clothing has sparked a controversy that simply baffles me.  OMG, what color is this dress!?

More importantly, WHO CARES?

Apparently, no one was aware until yesterday that things look different under different lighting.  OR that white balance can and will drastically effect the color as well.  Thus, the debate of the century has commenced.

Has no one every noticed what when it's dusk, everything kind of looks blue?  MIND BLOWN!

Is it white and gold?  Blue and black?  Well now, the left shot sure doesn't look blue and black, but that shot on the right... I'm just dumbfounded.  I don't know what to believe anymore.  This is the most confusing thing since Michael Jackson.

Ok, seriously though, it's gone a bit too far.  I'm all for a little distraction from real life, because most of our news is depressing anyway.  But people are losing friends over this stupid dress.  I do support the hilarious memes that have been generated, the following being my favorite so far:

IT'S TRUE!  It doesn't matter.

Another fun example of lighting:

I can hear the debate now...  "Is this food delicious, or not delicious?  I'M JUST NOT SURE!"  "What color IS that carrot?"

Ah, I've decided to save the face palm for a more serious matter.  This one is just so ridiculous that it has to be funny.  I leave you with one more picture....

Two Years Later

Two years ago today, everything changed.

I woke up to kiss Mike goodbye so he could pick up his final paycheck.  It was a Monday, and I was late for my period by three days.  I figured I should take a test, put my mind at ease.

Yeah....

I can't pee on a stick.  Well, correction, I can pee on the stick, but then I also pee on my hands, the seat, probably the cat.  I'm a terrible aim.  So I took a Dixie cup and tried to pee in that instead.  The test says hold the stick in for 20 seconds, then lay it down for two minutes.  I held it in and counted one...two...three.... it's turning blue.  It's TURNING BLUE.  Why is it turning blue already?

I pick up the box, I look at the test, I look at the box.  I'm pregnant.  I turn and scream at my cats "Holy Shit, I'm PREGNANT!"  They celebrated by running away and hiding under the bed.  That wasn't satisfying, and I need to tell someone!

I called my Dad.  I'll never forget that conversation - he made me laugh.  When I called Mike to tell him I had a surprise for him, he walked in fully expecting a Playstation 3 waiting for him.  Ha, SURPRISE!  After the initial shock, we had a beautiful moment together that still makes me tear up.  But we had no idea what it truly meant to start a family.

Now, two years later, I have a crazy toddler and I'm headed into my second trimester with baby number 2.  We've both changed jobs since that day, and moved out of our apartment and into a house.

Everything is different, and I couldn't tell you how I lived my life before that day.  There are bits and pieces I can recall:  some fun camping trips, some drinking, some great meals, some more drinking, ROCKBAND!  But I can't imagine how I must have filled my time when I had it.

I wouldn't change my daughter for the world, and I don't know if I could have prepared any better if someone had told me just what motherhood was going to entail.  Part of the problem was that I didn't really believe them when they said "Sleep when the baby sleeps."  That would be great, but then who will do the dishes and vaccuum and AHHHHH!!!  There's simply not enough time in the day to take care of the baby, the housework, and finally ME.

I was becoming someone I didn't like (and no one else did either):  proud-to-the-point-of-obnoxious, angry, exhausted, and self-righteous.  I WOULD take care of everything because I was better than everyone!  I was SUPERMOM.  I would run myself into the ground if that's what it took!

And it did.

Sometimes it still does, but I'm blessed to have the kind of love and support that I do in Mike.  I can't imagine doing this alone.  I raise my hat to all the single mothers out there, and I hope they find that love and support somewhere.  I hope that all of us who are blessed with a child can relax, let the dishes sit for a while, and just enjoy the beauty of childhood.  My daughter makes me laugh harder than I've ever laughed in my life.

I found the things I was missing by being too busy.  I found music again, and the sweet emotions that come with it.  I had forgotten how much I loved to take a bath with an old paperback and read until the water got cold.  I'm picking up my camera again.  I am finding new pleasures in writing.

I'm finding happy again.  I might need someone to remind me once in a while, but I think I'm finally headed in the right direction.

Isn't it amazing the difference two years can make?

Overreactions - Why People Need To Calm The F*** Down

Ah, the Oscars.

Eighty-seven years of honoring cinematic achievements in the film industry.  Categories that run from Best Picture all the way to Makeup and Hair Styling.  Timeless speeches given by the recipients that bring tears to your eyes.

At least, that's what I expected to read about today when I checked out the news recaps.  I didn't bother watching them last night - between having the toddler run around and praying she'd go to sleep before The Walking Dead came on, I was not concerned.  I haven't seen any of these movies yet anyway.

Still, I was curious.  So I peeked at the computer today, and what do I see?  The first two stories that come up are about how the host Neil Patrick Harris made an "ill-timed" joke about an award recipient, and how Sean Penn's green card joke has "sparked controversy".  Nothing, NOTHING about who won what or any beautiful moments during the evening.

Like Neil Patrick Harris in his underwear.  Good times!

I've read both articles (feel free to check them out here:  Neil Patrick Harris Cracks Ill-Timed Joke ; Sean Penn's Green Card Joke Sparks Controversy

Here's my takeaway:  NEITHER of the people that the jokes were referring to were offended.  They both thought the comments/jokes were funny as hell.  But everyone else has decided that these comments are unacceptable and offensive!  How awful, how could they say those things!?

The worst of it is, by Thursday no one will even remember what the hell happened to make them so mad in the first place.

Everybody - please calm the fuck down.

I found a hysterical article on Cracked.com that gave six examples of Overreaction.  For example - a man throws himself in front of his wife's car.... to keep her from voting.  It made me laugh out loud (honestly, great stuff), but at the same time got me thinking - these are TRUE STORIES!  Is it any wonder that this country is plagued by the side effects of stress?  Just look at us!

Overreacting to a joke you didn't care for also induces stress.  It make you stress out, it makes others stress out that jump on the offended bandwagon,  it stresses out the people who thought it was funny but now are caught up in the dramatic debate, and it stresses out the joker because they are second-guessing the decision to try and bring humor to someone.  Stress causes the following:

Stress Warning Signs and Symptoms
Cognitive Symptoms	Emotional Symptoms
Memory problems Inability to concentrate Poor judgment Seeing only the negative Anxious or racing thoughts Constant worrying	Moodiness Irritability or short temper Agitation, inability to relax Feeling overwhelmed Sense of loneliness and isolation Depression or general unhappiness
Physical Symptoms	Behavioral Symptoms
Aches and pains Diarrhea or constipation Nausea, dizziness Chest pain, rapid heartbeat Loss of sex drive Frequent colds	Eating more or less Sleeping too much or too little Isolating yourself from others Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

Thanks to helpguide.org, we see here many things that suck.

Laughter, on the other hand....

The Benefits of Laughter
Physical Health Benefits: Boosts immunity Lowers stress hormones Decreases pain Relaxes your muscles Prevents heart disease	Mental Health Benefits: Adds joy and zest to life Eases anxiety and fear Relieves stress Improves mood Enhances resilience	Social Benefits: Strengthens relationships Attracts others to us Enhances teamwork Helps defuse conflict Promotes group bonding

The moral of the story:  Laugh at jokes.  And calm the fuck down.  Because let's face it, if we can't laugh at ourselves, then what's the point of it all?

What Is Fashion? More importantly.... WHY???

I was perusing the Yahoo stories that come up on my homepage, and I came across an article titled "The Best Looks From New York Fashion Week".  I was bored enough to check it out, and what I found just baffled me.

You can do the same here:   https://www.yahoo.com/style/the-best-looks-from-new-c1424468703596.html

First things first, why is it illegal to smile when you are on the runway?  The message seems to be that looking either sulky or spaced-the-fuck-out is sexy.  FALSE!  It's creepy!  I mean honestly, just look - there's nothing in there!  No personality, no emotion... just dead space.

Secondly, I'd like to know WHO decides what's fashionable?  I looked up the definition in case I'd missed something in my 31 years:

Fashion - a popular trend, especially in styles of dress and ornament or manners of behavior.

Nowhere here does it tell me what crazy individuals are selected to decide "what's hot and what's not".  Whoever they are should probably be sent somewhere far far away from me, because I'm tempted to set the lot of them on fire right about now.

The picture that started this rant for me was this "coat"...

I don't even know where to start.  Why???  I guess that would be my first question.  Why would someone even think to create an extra large beer coozy with strips cut out of it and call it a coat?  Is that panty hose on his head?  Why is there an inverted bubble blower hanging out of his mouth?  Why is the brand painted on his knees?  What's going on here???

But alas, not only has someone created this monstrosity, it's FASHIONABLE.

This wasn't the only cringe-worthy outfit (but it was the scariest).  I have never understood the trends that flutter in and out - I'm partial to being comfortable and wearing what makes me happy.  My idea of fashion would make these people shudder, I'm sure.  But that's what I like, what makes me feel good.

What's wrong with that?

I don't even have a happy solution to this conundrum.  I'd hoped when I started this rant, I'd end it with smiles and puppies and butterflies, but I just can't find the path to it.  Perhaps another day.

I guess I should put Yahoo on my list of shit I shouldn't look at anymore.

This is only the beginning...

Things you should know about me before we start:

-I'm a 31 year old mother of a 15 month old little girl, and I'm 9 weeks pregnant.
-I've lived with the same man for 12 years and counting - plus three cats.
-I work in retail, and have for far too long.
-I've experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in the past 2 years.
-Some days, I feel like my cheese has slipped a little too far off it's cracker.

When I decided I wanted to start a blog, I debated what I should make it about.  Should I talk about motherhood and all the crazy shit I wish someone had warned me about?  Should I stick to the hypocrisy of retail sales?  What about relationships, family, loss, traffic, AHHHHH!!!!!

So why limit myself?  I'm going to talk about whatever the hell strikes me at the time.  It could inspire you, it could anger you, it could make you laugh.  And maybe, just maybe, this will be the tiny little outlet I've been searching for.

Today's topic:  The wave.

I sit in enormous amounts of traffic on a daily basis.  There are several parts of my trip where either I need to merge, or someone else needs to merge in front of me.  

I can't explain why, but when I don't get "the wave", I get very upset.  What happened to common courtesy?  It might not be taught in a traditional fashion, but the wave is well known throughout this country as a way to say "Hey, thanks for letting me in!!  I appreciate you!!"

The best wave I ever got was in a rainstorm.  I let someone in, and they rolled down their window to stick out their arm and WAVE, getting themselves wet for their trouble.  I smiled for miles.

I guess the wave doesn't just apply to shitty traffic situations.  The concept applies everywhere.  Like holding a door for someone, or smiling when you accidentally make eye contact instead of pretending it didn't happen.  Are we so unaware of anyone other than ourselves?  Do we only pay attention to someone's issues if they pop up on Yahoo News or Facebook?  

I'm not sure if the technological age has triggered the change in society, or if I'm just noticing it because I have to think about the future for my children.  I for one am going to try harder to smile bigger, to wave like a crazy person, to hold doors and carry bags, and to cause a grin on someone else's face.  I might not make a giant dent in the grand scheme of things, but at least I'll make a small one in my own little world, and you have to start somewhere.